The Hidden Scourge.

Part of the reason that I named this blog 'mom, interrupted' was because I took it after the film/book 'Girl, Interrupted,' where a young woman goes into a psych ward after she learns she has a mental disorder.  As many of you know, I have struggled with OCD since I was a child, which has led to anxiety and depression in my adult life.  Even though my anxieties are completely irrational, I still find myself facing them on an almost daily basis. 

When I tell people about this affliction, I often recount the time when I was in third grade and thought I was having a brain aneurism in the middle of Jewel.  I started screaming and knelt down, telling my mom and sister that they needed to call an ambulance.  They just walked away pretending they didn't know me.  You know...I don't blame them.  They knew I was fine, but I was convinced I was dying!  If I learned some new type of disorder, I had it.  Flesh-eating strep.  Skin cancer.  The list goes on.

Since I've gotten married and had children, I still struggle from time to time.  Poor Rob has had to deal with me and my obsessive thoughts on too many occasions to count.  Last night was one of them.

I laid in bed, fixated on some of my ailments, and Rob asked me to specify what they were.  I had a rattle in my lungs: lung cancer.  I had pressure behind my left eye: brain tumor.  I had cramps on my left side: ovarian cyst.  I had a pain in my left calf: bone cancer.  I had heart palpitations: looming heart attack.  And, to top it all off, I have been worried that I worry too much and will give myself an early stroke!  I can laugh about it now, but in the moment I am too absorbed in my feelings that I cannot get out of that mindset.

The root of it all is being completely out of control of the things that happen to me.  I think I can control them by worrying, somehow managing to 'catch it early' if something bad were to happen.  But in the meantime, I waste hours upon hours of my life, and my loved ones are affected negatively.  

Last night I gave in to the worries and just brooded over the endless possibilities.  But some days I am victorious over the irrational, able to not let my feelings master my reason.  OCD and anxiety do not define me as a person:  they are not who I was created to be, and my whole life I will continue to battle these 'natural' inclinations because I don't want to settle that this is the way I am.  I want to trust Jesus when gives the wisdom and command to "not worry" in Matthew 6.  Worrying surely does not add an hour to my life, if anything, it takes it away.  

If you struggle with anxiety or depression, tell me about it here.  What do you do to cope?