Something that I've experienced in my own marriage and witnessed in many others is the disappointment a spouse can feel regarding their loved one.
It's something not talked about much in premarital counseling, or if it is, maybe I wasn't listening because I was too focused on how cute is my future husband.
I can say this so candidly because I know that Rob and I have a strong marriage and I respect him and love him to the utmost, but both of us have had to deal with a realization that the other one isn't perfect, and man, we are so, so, so broken.
You may know that at the outset of a relationship, but can never imagine what ways it will manifest in due time during a marriage. It is something you cannot predict. The only reassuring fact that you can prepare for is that it will happen. Perhaps this sounds cynical; I say it sounds experienced.
I think the ugliness of ourselves comes out in time. We carry a lot of baggage when we come into a relationship, no matter who you are. The initial elation of being together wears off, and love is tested now by time and the ability to bear each others burdens. I have learned and carried with me a long time the wisdom that love is not a feeling; it is a choice, a choice that can sometimes make us feel. That has been our inspiration, our silver lining, illuminating some difficult times.
I used to think of how when people got married and the "two become one flesh" was like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together. But now I see it as some sort of archaic surgery, where some flesh has to be cut and torn and gruesomely sewn together, and then heal. It's a process that takes time, work, skill, patience, and amazing amounts of grace. For both parties.
Continually I learn that even though Rob is my best friend, my soul mate, and the father of my children, he is a human who makes mistakes who for whatever reason loves video games and doesn't clean out his car and occasionally smokes. And about me, he would tell you that I leave the cap open to the toothpaste allowing it to spill in the drawer, have a fascination with cleaning my kids' ears, and become mean when I'm stressed.
I guess my advice then would be a few things:
1) Keep in mind that your significant other does not necessarily 'complete' you. It sounds romantic to say that, Jerry Maguire, but it places a whole lot of pressure on the other person to fulfill something they were not meant to fulfill.
2) Surround yourself with people who can hold you and your loved one accountable. This has been key for me and Rob. A support system that understands in and outs of our relationship, who have a vested interest in our family's life.
3) Avoid crisis counseling. When I tell people that Rob and I go to counseling together, they assume that our marriage is broken and we are headed for separation. It's just the opposite; we go so we can learn how to communicate better which in turn makes our marriage stronger. We were preemptive in our counseling, remaining teachable (for the most part) because we don't know really what the heck we are doing.
Marriage can be a beautiful letdown, because I believe we understand how to better love like Jesus. We learn to love another being in the most intimate way possible, despite their shortcomings, unconditionally and with high regard, in the same way that I believe Jesus loves us all. And I believe this is the highest, deepest, widest form of love that can exist; not in the way the world dictates love, but one that satisfies the longing of our souls.
much love to you and yours,
meg+rob
