“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”
There was this one time that Rob had I had gotten into a fight about something (I cannot even remember about what we were fighting) and he decided that we weren't going to go into the restaurant that we had parked outside, but instead we were going to just go home because we couldn't come to an agreement. I remember people were expecting us at the restaurant and I became consumed with wondering what they would think if we didn't come, and angry that this decision was being made for me.
I mean, really angry.
We were screaming, SCREAMING at each other in the car (a little embarrassing to admit) and I got so fed up that I slapped Rob on the cheek. While he was driving. Probably not one of my top five moments.
When I brought that incident up to Rob today, he graciously *vaguely* remembered it, but it is seared into my memory and is indicative of where I was emotionally six or seven years ago, and how much I've matured since then. That said, I am aware that I am no where close to where I want to be.
I consider our emotions as part of our "soul," our psyche that we cannot see, but regularly needs tending. I've heard from sources over the years that there is a theory that our being is comprised of three parts: physical body, spirit (the part that connects to spiritual things and God), and our souls, or the emotional/cognitive part of ourselves.
I would also distinguish that emotional health is slightly different then mental health in that emotions focus on how our feelings affect our behaviors whereas mental health may focus on how our thought patterns affect behavior. They are inextricably connected but can also be exclusive to one another.
In our society, we focus a lot on what we can see; naturally, our physical bodies. I don't even need to convince you at how pervasive this is in our western culture...we are obsessed with health, or lack thereof, of our physical beings.
In my (very limited) observations, though, it seems like we altogether neglect that our souls even exist or need any attention at all. This hunch was further confirmed when I asked my good friend Deb, who also is a licensed clinical professional counselor, what she thought is our generation's problem with emotional health. She bluntly stated: "They have absolutely no awareness at all."
Okay, so now if we are aware that our emotional wounds and soul need attention, what do we do?
Well, similarly, if our physical bodies are out of shape, what do we do? We come up with a plan to workout and eat better, and perhaps seek other sources (books, physical trainers, magazines) to give us insight into how to be healthy.
One of mine and Rob's favorite proverbs is: "The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out." (Proverbs 20:5)
We are designed in such a fashion that we are deep, complex beings...but thankfully, there are those people who are given 'insight' to help draw out the depths of us and interpret what is going on. One such person is a counselor.
Thankfully the dumb stigma that has surrounded counseling for years is beginning to fade with each passing generation. I believe the stigma had origins in individuals fearing what they might discover about themselves, and once those 'deep waters' i.e., the motivations behind our actions, are uncovered, there's an unspoken accountability to change unhealthy patterns. In short, people don't like to change.
So, instead, many of us walk around with emotional scars that we are unaware even exist; or if we are aware, we have no idea how to truly heal. Or maybe we know what it might take, but we are afraid or even exhausted at the idea of it, oblivious of the freedom that may lay on 'the other side.' So we keep trudging forward, blindly acting out in anger, addiction, depression, cutting, sickness...not understanding that our emotional pain will always find a way out. Sometimes we mask it for ourselves by throwing a blanket statement, "That's just the way I am." Meanwhile, our relationships suffer.
We are ignorant of how it affects our day-to-day...how things that have happened to us 20 years ago can affect our here and now. As Deb said, we are unaware.
We remain emotionally stunted, and I fear many of us are not actually "growing up" and becoming who we are really meant to be...to push past the resistance that is constantly fighting against our freedom, to let down our pride and preconceptions, and to bite the bullet and really dig into our shit.
Some people think that emotional maturity comes naturally with age; but if that were true, then there would not be so many immature old people. No, instead, the maturity comes with persistence and endurance. Hard work. Sweat, maybe blood, definitely tears.
Emotional maturity begins with the question; why do I act or think the way I do? (highly recommend with the help of a counselor).
I began counseling again earlier this year, and my counselor helped me identify a way I had never thought my emotional pain was manifesting: hypochondria. I develop phantom symptoms if I have not processed through being grieved, experiencing resentment/unforgiveness or just plain stress. Because of the natural interconnection of our body and soul, my body was saying, "Hey, your soul is hurting right now, pay attention!" My brain interpreted it only as a physical ailment.
Talk about a revelation. Now if I'm experiencing any sort of bodily discomfort, I have to ask myself, do I have something that I have left unprocessed? Am I experiencing any emotional pain right now?
Many of us with children quickly realize we don't wanna pass our emotional baggage on down to our children when our little 'mirrors' start reflecting back to us some of our own dysfunction (that we can see if we are tuned in)... so our motivation to confront our demons and deal can seem a little more urgent. But parents, we need to know that we need to change not just our habits, but our hearts. And the reward is not only their benefit, but ours; undoing generational curses and affecting generations to come. The focus then not only is for ourselves, but our legacy.
So I asked my friend Deb a few more questions pertaining to emotional maturity:
What does an emotionally healthy person look like?
- Somebody who is aware of what they feel and why they feel it, is aware where it comes from, and owns it, that is it theirs and it is no one else's responsibility.
What would you recommend to parents to help their kids be emotionally healthy?
- They gotta do it first. You gotta be aware of yourself first in order to teach them how to do it. Also take pressure off the kids, let them know they will screw up...and you better make sure that you play with them; play is one of the most important parts of emotional regulation.
Emotional healing and maturity is integral to our beings and our relationships. But don't be deceived into the thought that it will be easy. If you begin confronting some of your own junk, the journey can be ugly, discouraging, disheartening; you need the mental stamina of an Ironman competition in order to make any progress. And what's the barometer for progress? Healthier relationships, a richer sense of self, and an increased sense of peace. Emotionally mature (or at least, more mature than most) people aren't rattled or offended easily, and they don't mask stress or sadness with flimsy coping mechanisms.
Our emotions will ALWAYS find a way of expressing themselves through us, sometimes blatantly (anger, happiness, sadness, anxiety, fear, etc.) and sometimes in not-so-obvious ways (hypochondria, overeating, passive-agression, co-dependency, blaming others, etc.). Some of our wounds are obvious (my father left when I was a child), and some need a little more digging (I felt deep shame when I first had sex, and now I feel shame every time I have it).
Emotional maturity...The gamut runs wide, and the river is deep; are you ready to go for a swim?
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